i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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