I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
