Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
