1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
