Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
