I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
