Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
