i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
