he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
