I like to think it a success when the cops are called
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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