Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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