So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
