I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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