i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
