The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
