John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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