summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
