I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
