and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
