so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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