I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Randomize
