Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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