Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
