How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
How naked do you want me to be?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
