I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
