8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
