My cat gives me a boner
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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