Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
