We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
