Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
