Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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