I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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