You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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