You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
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