you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
