Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
