Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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