At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
