capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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