could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
So much Jack, so little girl.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
