So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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