okay pat passed out under dana's car
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
