So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
