things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
All the doctor said was why
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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