8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
