allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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