How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize