He asked to "fluff my boner.."
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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