When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
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He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
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My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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