I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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