Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
