Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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