If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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