Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
