when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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