just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'm passing your future prison.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Is this like a preordered booty call?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
