I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
