This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
